Saying Goodbye to 2015
Saying goodbye is never easy and yet, as one year ends another
begins with little we can do to stop it. It is outside of our control…along with
much in life, it is outside of our control...but as a humans, that is the one
thing we want to do. Control the outcome, the income…control what happens to us
and around us. And it seems like the harder we try to stay in control, the more
control we lose. At the end of the day,
control is an illusion…
On August 30, 2015 I went through the worst nightmare I
could ever imagine…my beautiful little dog Diego was viciously attacked by a
dog we had rescued from the shelter three months prior. It was an average
Sunday morning that turned my life upside down. In the days that followed, I
was forced to surrender in ways I never thought possible.
Diego came into my life ten years ago at a very pivotal
point in my journey…I was a broken person with little hope left. He is
unconditional in all ways which has taught me how to love from deep down inside.
Diego restored my faith in life…gave me hope and a reason to fight when all I
wanted to do was give up. He has been my best friend for ten years…and I am
still reeling from the heartbreak and the harsh reality that my choices nearly
cost him his life. How could I ever
forgive myself?
Two days following the surgery, Diego was not fighting off the
infection from the dog bite wounds…the vets were concerned and told me in more
than one conversation that “he was not out of the woods.” I stood in the middle
of the pet emergency room with Dr. Guzman and had to ask the difficult
question: am I doing the right thing?
I did not want my little man to suffer…the ultimate test of love.
It’s been four months now and I am happy to report that
Diego has done remarkably well in his recovery. It has been an adjustment for
all of us…he is definitely a different dog since the attack but he is a
fighter. I am in awe of his bravery and courage. Ten years later, he continues
to be one of my greatest teachers.
In my human’ness, I can’t help but wrestle with the feelings
of regret and anger…there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t replay some
portion of the attack in my mind. I think I have cried every day for the past
four months, some days more than once. Is
it possible to be grateful and angry at the same time?
As I type this, my sweet dog is lying on my lap napping
peacefully…I am always happy to oblige when he wants to snuggle…and I am deeply
grateful we still have these moments together. But when he struggles to breath
or throws up for no reason, I am filled with fear, regret and anger. How could
I let this happen? My sweet, beautiful boy…my
only job was to protect him and I failed…miserably.
Back to my opening statement…control is an illusion. The
most heartbreaking part of this story isn’t what happened to Diego but the fact
I had no control over it…in the moments during the attack I was helpless. My
screams fell on deaf ears, my physical strength was no match and there was
nothing I could do to stop it. I have spent hours in the “coulda-shoulda-woulda”
space…what could I have done differently? Why didn’t I do {insert a thousand
different ideas here}?
Prior to this happening, I thought of myself as a strong
person, someone capable of defending or protecting myself and those I care
about. But when the moment came, I was helpless…I was not in control of
anything. This has been a heartbreaking realization for me, in ways I can’t
even begin to write about. I am delusional in the fact that I want life to be
full of love and harmony…the smell of blood stayed with me for days. I would
never survive in a war, and after months of beating myself up, I am finally
able to say that is okay. I like being a lover, and I’ll leave the fighting up
to those who can.
As I prepare to say goodbye to 2015, it is my hope by
sharing this with you, I can begin to heal and move past this experience a better,
kinder, stronger person. In order to forgive myself, I must find value in this
experience. I must learn more than I
lost…as you have read, this has not been easy for me to do. In my need to
control, I want to go back in time and have a re-do...but in reality, the only
thing I can control is what I choose to learn and how I will become better for
having lived through it.
During the weeks that followed the attack, I was overwhelmed
by hundreds of people who sent their love and support…some even sent money to
help with Diego’s medical expenses. I had complete strangers reach out,
including a teenage boy who goes to school with my nephew. He sent me the
sweetest message via Facebook telling me that he was praying for Diego. The
kindness and compassion we received still takes my breath away…to think ten
years ago I felt no love, no hope…perhaps the greatest gift Diego could give me…to
show me just how much love surrounds me, and how much support is available when
asked for. Perhaps this is the lesson. Perhaps
this awareness is what makes me a better person.
Happy New Year – much love and
peace, Sarah Michelle
