Learning How to Love Unconditionally
A few weeks ago I attended an event with one of my
favorites, Sunny Dawn Johnston. The day was focused on healing and using the
different modalities available to us, specific to the arch angels. But like
most self-help, healing events such as these, there is always something more
that comes to light. For me, it
was the realization that I don’t know how to love unconditionally. Ouch.
For the past few weeks, I have sat with this new
awareness in the pit of my stomach. I have experienced an array of emotions
from a deep sadness to a seething anger at the one person I hold the most
responsible for this missing skill in my life: my mother. A flash of past
relationships, or shall I say, failed relationships fill my thoughts and
further my emotions spiral. I can’t help but wonder if this condition
contributed to the lack of love in my life. I am forced to take responsibility. And now, the next question...how do I learn to love unconditionally?
Growing up my mother’s daughter came with its own set of
unique conditions. I learned at a very young age not to rock the boat; being
good meant survival. Being perfect though, meant I might earn the affection and love I was so desperate to receive
from my mother. The last time I saw her, she stood in my kitchen, looked me up
and down and said to me “Well you aren’t too overweight that you couldn’t stand
to lose another five or so pounds.” I was 109 pounds and in the best physical
shape of my adult life. I had finally gotten to her perfect weight on the scale
and it still wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t
good enough.
Today, I am left with the harsh reality that I am perfectionist
in almost everything I do and living with my self is a real bitch somedays. Living up to my own ridiculous standards is nearly
impossible for me, how do I expect another human being to do it?
I have spent hours rolling this around in my head…and now
putting it into words helps me gain some much needed clarity. I like to fancy
myself a bit of a hippie with the notion that the world should be full of love
and everyone wearing flowers in their hair. To realize that I don’t really know how to love
unconditionally is big blow to my ego.
I have thought about all the areas of my life that this
impacts, and not in a positive way…like how I love myself, my body, my
thoughts…if I am being honest, it is a big judgement-fest going on in my head,
and all because of this deeply rooted need to be perfect…in the quest for the
one thing I long for the most: unconditional love. Oh the irony…
In the dictionary
the word “unconditional” means without condition; absolute. My
curiosity wonders what the word absolute means: free from imperfections;
complete. Perfect; free from restrictions or limitations. There is the answer I
am looking for, and perhaps a better way to define what it means to love…without
restrictions or limitations.
I know I am not the only one who feels the same way and I
certainly know I am not the only one with a parent who rationed out the
affection. We grow up in a world that places conditions and restrictions on
nearly everything we do, feel, or imagine from our first breath to our last. We are taught to judge at
a very early age… what is good or bad, pretty or ugly, too short, too tall, too
fat, too skinny…we are taught to judge before we are taught how to love. And
when we place judgement or restriction, we can’t help but stop the flow of
love. To judge is a contradiction to the very essence of love.
I have two beautiful little dogs and when I think about
them, it is pure joy. I miss them when they are not with me and I can’t stay
mad at them for more than a few minutes, because as soon as I look at their sweet
faces, my heart melts. The joy that they bring me is unconditional. They do not
care if I am having a good day or a bad day…what I am wearing, how much I
weigh, or how much money is my bank account. They are the very definition of
absolute love. Perhaps I do know how to
love unconditionally…just not another human being. But I am a work in progress.
While I am still learning how to apply my unconditional
adoration of my sweet pups to another human, I have come to understand that
love is a choice. And I am capable of making that choice. I am an adult and I
get to choose what I define as beautiful, what is good or bad. I get to control
the flow of love in my life.
I am tired of not receiving the unconditional love that
surrounds me in all forms, because I am too obsessed with being perfect. I am
tired of limiting the love I give because it doesn’t met a condition that was
created by someone else. I am far from perfect and will likely never attain
perfection in this human life. So why not just be? Be perfectly imperfect and in-love with life. Love is a choice.
It’s the only choice.
Sending you much love,
Sarah Michelle
Author . Coach . Trainer . Speaker
Author of Tales of Fried Bologna: A Journey to Forgiveness